The title isn’t serious. I just thought it was funny. I’m definitely not considering lipo.
This current weight loss process is humbling tf out of me. For me, losing weight has always been somewhat “easy” once I put my mind to it and stayed on my shit. Not easy in the sense that I didn’t have to do anything to achieve the results I wanted, I definitely put in work. But easy in the sense that once I determined that I wanted to be smaller, stronger, better, I was able to motivate myself to do what was necessary. Through sharing most parts of my story, I’ve been able to help so many others start and continue on the journey of weight loss and yet here I is.
So how has this round been different? It’s the finding the motivation to get back into the gym, consistently, after a couple of months of serious depression. For a while everything felt like a chore. Getting up. Brushing my teeth. Taking a shower. Eating a meal. Putting on clothes. Doing work. Reading. Writing. Anything that needed to be done just felt like it took all the effort in the world to complete.
Some days some of those things didn’t even happen. I did the bare minimum, enough to get by until I felt better. If these basic everyday activities didn’t happen, you bet I wasn’t going to the gym as often and definitely not giving 100% while there. My relationship with the gym has always been love-hate because I loved the results of going but most times dreaded going lol. The “hate” side of the relationship has definitely been winning and my love for the gym has depleted.
I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to go. And each time I’ve been to the gym since “feeling better” that has been my thought “I don’t want to be here.” I even entertained the idea of reinstating my Classpass membership as a way to “force” myself and I quickly shot that down because the credits would probably go to waste.
It’s mainly humbling af because usually I’m able to bounce right back but this time I haven’t so I’m like “alright Ashleigh, figure this shit out.” It wouldn’t be as big of a deal if I was happy with my current weight, which I’m not. So it’s a catch-22.
I think the most humbling part of this is I’ve definitely been the one screaming “no excuses.” Or “if you put your mind to it, you can do it.” Repeating cliche statements mask as motivation to myself and others who felt lost or stuck. And now I’m here. I’ve “put my mind to it” but that shit ain’t working this time around lol
I got this though. At least that’s what I’m going to continue to say to myself until I believe it and internalize it, and actually “have it”.
[Note: Don’t read this as I’m “giving up” or not trying. I’m definitely still active, just not as active as I usually am. I’m currently navigating figuring out how to change my diet in a way that yields the results I want but also won’t be super restricting. But, I got this though. Right?]