Adjusting to change is hard, in all facets of life. Work changes, family changes, relationship changes.. and so on and so forth. If you’re not familiar with my story, I used to weigh 213 pounds. Weighing over 200 pounds at only 5’3 was not healthy at all. You can read all about my weight loss story and learn how to jumpstart your own. Since losing the weight, my number one fear has been gaining it all back. Whenever I see the scale increasing a bit I go into panic mode and hardcore damage control that eventually leads to burnout. The last five months have definitely been the worst case of burnout I’ve felt since starting this journey. I completed two rounds of Whole30, increased my workouts to four times a week, and eventually got down to 153 fitting into a size four dress. I was so excited and proud of myself because that is the smallest I can ever remember being and I LOVED the shape my body had taken on.
Then life happened.
Grief from dealing with my grandmother’s death, being unstaffed and sitting at home for a month, stressing about the next steps in my career, moving, and just not feeling the best had me mentally and physically exhausted. I stopped working out and my eating was terrible. I either had no appetite or ate everything in sight. There was no happy medium.
Around my birthday (April) I noticed that I was getting heavier. Realizing I had to buy a size eight dress triggered everything from shame, regret, panic to extreme insecurity. At that point, I was pushing 170 again. I made a mental note to get back on my shit after my birthday but obviously, that didn’t happen. In July I weighed in at 183. Making it 30 pounds that I had gained in five months.
Disappointment wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how I felt realizing I was throwing away all of my hard work and slowly creeping up to 200 pounds again. My high self-esteem decreased and my insecurities definitely increased during that time. I no longer had the confidence that I’d gained over this journey, I didn’t feel as beautiful, and I wasn’t treating myself very kind either. The worse I felt, the more bad shit I ate (or didn’t eat at all) and it was a terrible cycle.
I’m not sure what exactly finally made the light bulb of change go off in my head but I finally had had enough of feeling like crap (mostly due to the crap I was eating). And decided to do another round of Whole30 (which I’m currently on day 22 of), workout with my friend who is a trainer, start spin class again, and most importantly start therapy again. One night after a concert I saw my therapist’s card on the ground. It was so random and took this as a sign to call her. To my surprise, she had been thinking about me as well!
The first part of this post ended up being longer than I anticipated. If you’re still reading, thank you.
I’m constantly learning lessons throughout life. This period taught me to learn to love myself and my body through all the changes I go through. My fitness journey is never-ending. I’m not looking to reach a certain weight and then stop and live life. I want to be my healthiest possible, for as long as I am on this Earth. The hardest part of this journey is not losing the weight but maintaining it. Maintaining it through every hard and stressful time. Through sickness and through the chaotic times. And whatever else life throws at me.
It took practically my whole life to get to a point where I felt that I truly loved myself and my appearance. I didn’t anticipate the weight gain doing a number on my confidence but it did. Nothing made me look or feel comfortable. I didn’t feel beautiful. And what made me feel worse was having to pull out some of my “fat clothes”. But as a woman, I’ll have many periods of life that leave me feeling a little insecure or less than. The key for me is remembering to love myself and my body through it all. Whether I’m 200 pounds or 150. Whether I’m in a size four or a size 12. I can’t allow the different changes that go on to completely wipe away all the progress I’ve made internally.
I didn’t really have a direction for this post before I sat down to write it. I just knew I had to because it’s still a journey that I’m on. And I wanted to share it with anyone else who may be in the same boat. Continue to love yourself through it all and constantly remind yourself that you are beautiful at every stage.