Real Talk: I Still Struggle

I’ve been in my feelings since learning about the suicide of Kate Spade. I’m a huge fan of the Kate Spade brand, and it’s somewhat of an unhealthy habit because y’all know those bags aren’t cheap (surprise sale for the win). This caught me, and so many others, by surprise because of Kate Spade’s perceived personality via her brand. The brand is known for being bright, bubbly, and even the most simply-designed bags have a personality of their own. Business was good, she had recently sold the company to for 2.4 Billion and was working on other ventures.

Scrolling on Facebook Monday morning I saw a friend’s status that said: “Noooooooo why did Kate Spade commit suicide!” Immediately, my mind didn’t go to actual suicide. I figured “oh no, the brand must’ve made a decision that would’ve affected its sales.” But once I googled Kate’s name, each headline confirmed that she was found unresponsive in her home. My heart immediately sank and I had to choke back a huge lump in my throat. I tried to blog all day yesterday about the suicides of people who are perceived to “have it all” and words eluded me.

Impostor Syndrome

Kate’s suicide triggered all types of thoughts and emotions. “Imposter Syndrome” being the main one. I started to doubt myself. Am I really worthy of advocating for mental health? Am I even being heard or making a difference? I’m not a professional. I only know what I’ve experienced. Though I know all of these thoughts were bogus, I still couldn’t shake it. There have been so many times since starting this blog that I thought “eh, I don’t want to do this anymore.” Though therapeutic, it can be taxing and anxiety-inducing.

I never want the idea to form that I am completely healed of everything I’ve ever struggled with because that would be a YUGE ass lie. Truth is, I still struggle. Sometimes massively. I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and sometimes insecurities overtake my mind so much that I can’t stand to look at myself. I wonder why I’m here, if I’m truly helping others, am I being laughed at or mocked because of my truth? Depression and anxiety don’t have you thinking the most rational things.

My most recent bout of severe depression was in April. Yep, just two months ago. A few weeks before my birthday I was in a funk that I just couldn’t shake. I can’t tell you where it stemmed from or why I felt the way I felt but I did. I felt unloved, unwanted, and I didn’t feel beautiful. My birthday was coming up and I should’ve been soooo happy but I just couldn’t shake it. Each day I tried to force myself to the gym, my body said “PSYCHE! You thought!” Each time I ate too much or not at all I silently told myself to “get it together” but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to get out of bed, shower, eat, or even think. But those things needed to be done and they were at the bare minimum. 

Gratitude

I’m so grateful that I decided to continue on with my birthday plans though I didn’t feel like it. I felt so loved, 

appreciated, and beautiful. I seriously cried all day lol They were happy tears because I had been feeling shitty for weeks and even just for one day, I wanted to feel “okay” again. Not only did I feel “okay” I felt peaceful and not anxious. I wasn’t stressed or frustrated. And, I ate and drank damn good. Shoutout to Lincoln.

Special thank you to everyone who sent me a card at my request. I loved them all, they made me laugh, they made me cry and they made me feel so appreciated and loved. Also a special shoutout to my friends who continuously checked on me knowing how I was feeling, y’all are the real MVPS.

Affirmations For Now

I am continuously healing.

I am thankful for messages I receive that remind me that my words are necessary.

I attract comforting vibes.

I forgive myself for negative thoughts.

I am open to being patient with myself when I am struggling.

I release feelings of inadequacy

Read more of the Real Talk Series.

Messages like these keep me going.

3 Comments

  1. Reply

    Kate BK

    June 6, 2018

    This post is so important – & so brave & honest. Thank you. I didn’t say anything yesterday about Kate Spade’s suicide because I felt like I couldn’t; it took too much out of me. But this is exactly how it had (has) me feeling, too. It’s so important to remember that we are more than our thoughts, more than our doubts, more than our sadness – & to keep on keepin’ on when those thoughts & doubts & bouts of sadness threaten to take us down. Here we are on the other side, always pushing through, always still trying, always healing. Love you.

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      June 6, 2018

      I tried so hard to write about it yesterday and I just .. couldn’t. Thank you so much for that last line, a gentle reminder that healing is continuous. Love you more and as always, thanks for reading!

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