So if you’ve seen my Instagram posts for the next few Blogmas posts, you know that I’m two posts behind. Yesterday and today were supposed to be Day 6 and Day 7 but honestly, I haven’t felt like writing. I thought about just sucking it up and writing them and posting them today. But, I’d rather wait and post quality pieces than to force something together for the sake of keeping up. I was just going to pick back up tomorrow like I hadn’t just skipped two days but in the name of transparency, I decided to finish up a post that has been in my drafts since this summer when I was fresh out of a depressive episode.
I was up this morning until about 4 am crying my eyes out while in bed with my boyfriend. Like dry heaving, snot in my nose, sweat, can barely get a word out because I’m crying so hard ugly cry. A quick scan of any of my social media feeds, and you’d not be able to tell that I had a mentally hard week and fought really hard not to slip into a bad state.
Last summer, I realized as much as I talk about my struggle with depression on here, I’ve never actually spelled out EXACTLY what it looks like for me.
June 8, 2018
I looked at the pile of clean clothes that had been sitting in a basket and on my closet floor for weeks and said “I’m sick of looking at these clothes, I’m going to put them up.” I turned on some music, filled up my water bottle, and felt SUPER optimistic about finally hanging these clothes up or putting them in my donation bag. I finally had the energy to do so.
Fast forward fifteen minutes later, I put up two pairs of jeans, some shorts, and was now laying on my closet floor wondering why I couldn’t even muster up the energy to hang up anymore clothes. I mean, I’m SO sick of looking at them, why can’t I just put them up. I need food. I have yet to go grocery shopping, something I’ve should’ve done at least twice in the last week or so. Ask me when’s the last time I’ve gone?
What A Depressive Episode Looks Like For Me
I had planned to actually write these all out and explanations but, I don’t feel like it. So, I’ll just list them and maybe come back and fill them in.
- Everything feels like a chore.
- Feeling drained and physically exhausted.
- Wake up sad, go throughout the day sad, go to bed sad.
- Self-loathing, a whole bunch of it. Accompanied by negative self-talk.
- Either I feel all the emotions, or I’m emotionless. Lots of crying, lots and lots of crying.
- Guilt accompanied by shame.
- Questioning everyone around me’s intentions.
- I eat too much or not at all.
- Every day is doomsday and I torture myself by thinking of the worst case scenario of anything currently happening.
- I isolate myself. No hosting, barely seeing my friend, and not being open about my current struggles.
- I don’t [read: can’t] workout.
- I’m snappy and easily agitated. Sometimes I have no explanation for why you saying hi to me just made me imagine kicking you in the forehead and now I have an attitude.
- I’m more impulsive. Not going out and snorting a line of coke impulsive but going and getting a tattoo or buying a $300 purse I don’t need, impulsive.
Every day is a constant fight for my joy and last night I felt like I lost that fight for a bit. But today was better, much better and I’m okay.