Real Talk: The Breakup Story Y’all Have Been Waiting For

Don’t cling to a mistake just because you’ve spent a lot of time making it.

I saw that quote a few months before I ended my three-year relationship last year. I’ve known him for seven years, we had been “involved” for five, and officially together for three. That meme bugged the hell out of me. I felt so uncomfortable and guilty because it resonated with me in regards to my then relationship. I had been back and forth about the idea for months and each time I tried, I couldn’t go through with it. I’d convince myself that it was just a rough patch and that we’d be back to normal soon. But that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t completely happy, he wasn’t completely happy, and neither one of us could muster up the courage to admit it. The relationship seemed to continue out of convenience and false hope. I never put our bad business out there (with the exception of the one time I did LMAO) so no one really knew, but few had guessed it. I used to cringe when people would comment on photos or posts of us with #goals or #relationshipgoals. Yes, we were definitely happy and in love. But it took so much to get to that point. He wasn’t always the greatest boyfriend and I wasn’t always the greatest girlfriend. Some of my best times were with him, but he was also the cause of some of my worst. Although the last couple of years of our relationship was pretty freaking awesome, the first couple were hell. I was so broken that I accepted treatment that I shouldn’t have in the name of having someone to love. I denied it to myself, and him at times, but I was often resentful of just how much I took from him. I even joked that I was the woman that came to make him a better man to his future wife. Funny that we’re here now.

This post stemmed from a letter I wrote to him, which I received no response to or acknowledgment of, and then I decided it would be a blog post. I’m pretty much an open-book and super transparent. Sometimes I even overshare. One thing I couldn’t bring myself to do was talk about my breakup publicly. Sure my close friends and family knew what happened, but I didn’t want to post about it. For the sake of my privacy and his. And for fear of me hurting him with my words. But we were VERY public with our love. And many people thought we’d be together forever, hell we thought we’d be together forever. LOL Naturally, when people found out we were no longer together, everybody had questions and assumptions. Naturally so.

One of the worst parts of dealing with the breakup has been other people’s thoughts and assumptions about me. It’s no secret that I am sensitive, and as much as I’m at a better place of “I don’t care what others think”, it hurts when people unnecessarily think the wrong things about me. I’ve heard so many things that people think are the reason we broke up. It’s actually funny when it comes from someone who neither of us considers a close friend or family member. (Don’t get me wrong, it’s still annoying when it comes from them too.) I heard that I dumped him because he took too long to graduate college, that he was holding me back, he didn’t have a steady job outside of music, wouldn’t travel with me, made less money than I did, had gained weight although I lost it, and so on and so forth. I was also told that I just “wanted to be single for a little while and be a ho then get back together.” Yes, that was said to me. He even thought that himself, which hurt when he admitted it (he’ll probably deny this but, it’s true).

Not that I owed anyone but him an explanation as to why I broke up with him, none of that shit was true. Our breakup was caused by me being honest with myself and him about things I couldn’t see myself dealing with for the rest of my life. With plans to move in together, naturally, the next step was marriage. I don’t care to go into details on what those things are, just know that I didn’t think I could deal with them forever. While other women would be excited about the thought of marrying their long-term boyfriend, it scared me.

Still, it took me awhile to actually do it. I felt like we had invested too much time. Had too many mutual friends, my family loved him, I loved him. He was there. He was there when I was depressed, suicidal, when I didn’t want to get up in the morning, when I didn’t want to eat or when I ate too much, when my grandmother was sick, when my grandmother died, when I didn’t take care of my physical health, when I had a minor outpatient procedure, every high high and low low of the past few years, he has been my number one support. That was hard to let go. He stayed when I made it hard to love me. When I was mad at the world but took it out on him. When I claimed to have forgiven him for past mistakes but brought them up when I was upset. When I pushed him away constantly. When my attitude and smart mouth got a little too slick. When I didn’t give him the love he wanted to receive. He was legit my best friend. Not just a cliche phrase said because we were in a relationship, it was true. We had planned our life together, planned to move in together, we were it for each other. But, it wasn’t enough.

It’s actually a funny (well, funny now) story about how I finally got the nerve to do it. My dad and step-mother were coming into town soon and we had plans to hang out with them and go to dinner. He knows how much of a Daddy’s girl I am and knew how important it was to talk to my dad about marrying me before proposing (even though he hated that tradition). I had had a dream that he has asked my dad for permission during the weekend he came to visit. During the dream, I kept finding ways to put off him proposing and I just wasn’t excited about it. I didn’t need Joseph to tell me what that dream meant. Not saying that is what he was going to do at the dinner, but I knew I had to end it.. just in case lol

Being honest, although we had broken up, we still regularly talked and hung out. We were even discussing whether or not we thought we’d ever get back together. We had a fake bet going about who would move on faster. I knew it would be him, he thought it would be me. Afterall, I was the one who initiated the breakup. Both of us had dated other people since breaking up, but neither of us had gotten serious with anyone. As predicted, I won. I just didn’t think it would be with someone I knew. No, this isn’t a best friend, or someone I spoke to often but it still hurt. The last conversation I had with this person was of her expressing how aspects of my life inspired her. I mentioned that to explain my first thought upon learning that they were dating, “well damn, did my relationship inspire you so much you wanted it?” I’m human and my petty side shows it’s face sometimes. Out of the billions of women in the world, and the many who sought after him DURING our relationship, why someone I know? I just couldn’t understand. Awhile ago he was feeling some kind of way because he thought that I was connecting with an associate of his (that wasn’t the case beeteedub). Hypocritical much? They knew they were wrong because of conversations they had and him lying to me about how serious things were. After a long conversation and me explaining my hurt, he decided this was something he wanted to pursue and I let him know to do it. But that meant losing my friendship and he was okay with that. So now, we’re here. He and others still believe my hurt is unfair, but I don’t care.

Last month was Homecoming and because it was a big one, SO many people were in attendance. I saw people I hadn’t seen since we graduated, and I also saw him. Our last conversation had been too fresh and I wasn’t quite ready to see him again. We didn’t speak. Even after breaking up I never thought we’d be at a point where we didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence. So many people asked me how he was, they either didn’t know we had broken up or didn’t know we recently cut ties. I just said “he’s good, I guess” or “I’m not sure” and let that be it. I’m sure he got the same question just as much as I did. It’s so weird being in this space and although this week has been rough with feeling hurt, angry, and resentful, I feel freer the more I write.

This post was not meant to bash him. I wouldn’t do that and I wouldn’t want him to either. And it actually ended up being longer than I had planned. This is just an added step in my healing and to finally be done. I sent him a letter apologizing for any and everything I’ve ever done wrong in our relationship. But explaining that I had to cut ties because I didn’t want to give him another opportunity to hurt me. Intentionally or unintentionally. And although I’m hurt, I can’t bring myself to hate him. I wish him the best and I hope he’s eternally happy.

I do appreciate all the good that came from our relationship and friendship because there was plenty. I truly learned how to love another person besides family and friends, and how to let someone love me. He showed me that I truly am worthy of and capable of being loved by another person and that I deserve that and more. He helped me on my journey to loving myself. He loved my family, and they him, like his own. He made my grandmother happy many times during her illness just by checking in and sending well-wishes. We learned and grew together, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

Of course, there are two sides to every story, and I’m definitely not innocent, nor am I perfect. But this is my blog so it’s my side, you want to know his? Ask him. LOL I know we have A LOT of mutual friends, and honestly, I just wrote this to officially close this chapter of my life and to stop getting asked about it/him. My only request when sharing this with your friends who are curious is to share the link and not a screenshot, give me my viewer numbers LMAO.

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29 Comments

  1. Reply

    Dot

    November 3, 2017

    I love you for being so transparent and coming into your own. Continue to live your life for you and happy journeigh!!

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 3, 2017

      Thank you so much for your continued support and encouraging words.

  2. Reply

    Bridgitte

    November 3, 2017

    Ash this is so transparent and honest. I love you!

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 3, 2017

      Thank you Bridge!! I️ love you more.

  3. Reply

    Veronica Drake

    November 3, 2017

    I love you Ashleigh. It has/is a pleasure being a part of your “transparent” life. Your words are always heart felt to the point where all I can say is….I love you young lady! May God continue to bless you and use you to be a blessing!!!

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 3, 2017

      Thank you sooo much!! I️ love you too!

  4. Reply

    Jordyn

    November 3, 2017

    😢 I’m so proud of you and I love you!! You’re so strong and beautiful and I’m so grateful to call you friend!!

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 3, 2017

      Thank you so much J! I️ appreciate your continuous love and support and I’m even more proud to call YOU friend!!

  5. Reply

    doice john

    November 3, 2017

    This resonates with me heavily. I just went through a breakup myself and am dealing with the questions of “How is ______ ?” .

    Thank you for your transparency.

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 3, 2017

      Thank you for reading! Sending you good vibes for your healing journey as well!

  6. Reply

    Steven

    November 3, 2017

    This was awesome Ashleigh

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 3, 2017

      Thank you!!

  7. Reply

    Tee

    November 4, 2017

    You never ceases to amaze me! I love you (even more) for sharing this ❤️ Keep being amazing 😘

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 4, 2017

      I️ love you too Tee! Thanks for reading 😊

  8. Reply

    Shayla

    November 4, 2017

    I know this was difficult to write. I can relate to this so much. I have a 15 page text to someone that I never built up courage to hit send on. You on the other hand just plastered your heart to the world. Dope post!

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 4, 2017

      Thanks Shayla Wayla! And yeah I️ think I’m nuts sometimes with the things I️ share lol

  9. Reply

    Kalila

    November 4, 2017

    I seriously dislike when people are intrusive. Y’all broke up. The end. It was only two people in your relationship and neither one of them have questions. Mind your business.

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 4, 2017

      Very true. Like I️ said in the post, I️ definitely owed no one an explaanation but I️ still wanted to write about I‎t for my own self.

  10. Reply

    Raquel

    November 5, 2017

    This hit home with me…Thank you Ashleigh!

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 5, 2017

      I️ hope you get it have gotten much-needed closure and healing 🤗

  11. Reply

    Sekaya

    November 5, 2017

    I’m sad to see the pain you have and may still be experiencing. Stay strong. 💪🏾 ❤️

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 5, 2017

      No you’re not, but thank you for reading and commenting. I️ sincerely hope he is a much better man to you than he was to me. 😊

      • Reply

        Sekaya

        November 5, 2017

        I actually genuinely am. Bc as you said even though we weren’t close. We were friends. And us getting together. Despite what you may think or feel. Had nothing to do with you or you guys relationship. I hope that you can move past this feeling if betrayal one day.

  12. Reply

    Ashley

    November 8, 2017

    So everytime I think you’ve maxed out your ability to be an amazing woman you do something to grow even more! Ashleigh for President!!!!

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 8, 2017

      Assshhh!! I love you so much.

  13. Reply

    Alley

    November 10, 2017

    This is really transparent. You are brave for sharing. Hopefully writing this provided the closure you needed. Relationships, no matter the status, can mislead those involved to entitlement. Once a relationship is over, its over. The expectations should be lowered or transferred to a list of what to expect from your next exclusive relationship. Having these expectations inevitably leads to hurt and disables both involved from moving on. His acts to pursue someone you’d describe as merely an acquaintance should only be acknowledged if you wanted things to work between you two.

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 10, 2017

      Honestly, your comment insinuates a lot of things lol But seeing as how I don’t know you, and you don’t know me (unless this name is an Alias) be careful of the assumptions. There was so much left out of this post for the sake of his and my privacy, as well as to not taint his budding relationship. The hurt wasn’t simply in the act, but that’s neither here nor there. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  14. Reply

    Alley

    November 10, 2017

    I’ve only provided insight on what you shared. You are right, we do not know each other but because I could relate, I shared what I learned from my experience. Nothing in my comment was an assumption, you mentioned you both broke up, you fearlessly mentioned the hurt you experienced from him moving on to someone you befriended in the past. I have experienced the same hurt and that comes from entitlement that we both shouldn’t have because our relationships were OVER. No matter what was left out of your post, the critical facts or what you felt could paint a picture to convey your experience, was presented. I read with admiration but couldn’t leave without being just as candid and honest. I personally wished someone told me this during the end of my relationship. I apologize if my comment reached you with disdain. Your reply regarding an alias seems like your feelings still aren’t resolved. Add me on IG (@ayooalley) if you would like to talk more or to confirm that Alley is my real name. lol because it’s not that deep sis.

    • Reply

      Ashleigh

      November 10, 2017

      Ahh, your assumption (that you claimed to not have) stemmed from you equating your past relationship/situation to mine. It wasn’t merely “someone I befriended in the past” and it definitely wasn’t a false sense of entitlement. What was not included were many of those “critical facts” you mentioned in the post was what led up to the revelation of them dating. Of course, my feelings aren’t resolved, this JUST happened lol If you’ve read any of my other post I’m very open about how sensitive and emotional I am and I can’t just “bounce back” after being hurt. Me insinuating that “Alley” was an alias was reading into how presumptuous your comment was so I thought “this person must obviously know me to assume this” but, I was wrong. And it is that deep, sis, when I’ve had previous failed attempts to be contacted about this by involved parties. People will do some weird things to get their message in. Like I said, I didn’t disclose every detail because while I aim to be transparent, I don’t tell it all. Thank you again for reading and feel free to browse around. I just recently revamped the site 🙂

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