I'm Not Naturally Optimistic


I am not a naturally optimistic person. I’m too in my own head to be a constant source of cheer. I have to work at happy. Dark and twisty is where my brain likes to settle. So I can use some reminders of what is good and optimistic and glass-half-full about this world. - Shonda Rhimes

When I read that quote from Year of Yes I had to mentally snap and say “THIS!” It described me perfectly. It's a common misconception that I am happy-go-lucky all the time and just wake up positive. WOMP, I wish lol. I really do WORK for my happiness. It’s a constant struggle to not be consumed by the dark and twisty shit that goes on in my head sometimes. I’m not as bad as I used to be though, and that’s a really good thing.A couple of years ago someone close to me called me pessimistic in the middle of a conversation we were having. It hurt my feelings because I never viewed myself that way. I honestly thought my way of thinking was more along the lines of being a realist, not a pessimist. This prompted me to ask one of my best friends if she thought I was pessimistic and she said “welll.. I wouldn’t say pessimistic. You’re not the most optimistic person though..”

Well damn.

If two of the closest people (at the time) to me thought that I was pessimistic, it had to be true, right? Lol I can now admit that I really was a Negative Nancy. I could never really see the glass as half-full. To me, it was half-empty and in no time would be depleted so I may as well just view the glass as empty to save myself the disappointment when it was finally gone and I was thirsty. Sad and dramatic, right? But that’s really how I viewed the world. Guard constantly up, always on the defense, ready for and expecting the worst.After realizing that I really did have a tendency of being pessimistic, I set out on a mission to change my mindset and increase my positivity. I wanted to be so positive and happy that it would be annoying, yet contagious. Contagious enough to touch those around me and allow them to be as positive and happy as I was trying to be. This meant keeping positive vibes around (hence the quotes I keep everywhere) as much as I could. This also meant spending less time with other pessimistic people or people who brought my energy down. Some people will choose to be negative about everything. Literally everything. I know because I used to be one of them. One of the things I admire about myself is that once I have it made up that I want to change something about myself, I work hard to make it happen. Am I happy all the time? Of course not.  Am I always positive in every situation? Definitely not! I still have to catch myself from expecting the worst out of a situation sometimes. But that's the beauty of this journey that I'm on, each day I find myself a little happier and being, thinking and speaking a little more positively. Like most of the journeys I’ve found myself on, it gets easier realizing there's no end goal or finish line that reads "HAPPINESS." It's an on-going process that lasts a lifetime.

*insert me skipping off majestically into a field of rainbows and butterflies*

Ashleigh Signature 2.png